Pictures of Jerks
No, not those kinds of pictures.
Meg: Is it time for us to make fun of all these boring vanilla guys hockey again?
Cane-alytics: Oh man. After three years of this you really start to understand how difficult it is to rate a bunch of dudes who kinda sorta look the same. Regardless of how difficult it is to quantify and chirp the bunch of jerks, head shot release day has become one of my favorite parts of the pre-season if only for the pure silliness of quickly scanning through the collection to find the stand outs (hi2u Jake Gardiner). Maybe some day we’ll find a head shot that can rival the beauty of my boy TJ Hensick.
Well, let’s get to it. Shall we, Meg?
John Forslund Wall of Hair Division
Cane-alytics: Now that’s a head of lettuce. Dare I say the best of the group? Coming out strong and winning the Wall of Hair division in his first pro year. Truly a sought after prospect.
Meg: Sorry, I wasn’t looking at the hair. Too distracted by whatever’s going on in the chin region. Is it a beard? It it a patch of tree moss? What’s the look here, Chase?
Cane-alytics: The Quietest Cane. What’s going on in his head? What mysteries are there to unlock? Why does J-Staalo not want to sit next to him? When will we get the much needed in-depth profile on the World’s Most Mysterious Cane. Head-wise, Lucas’s lettuce is less floofier than usual, which is a bummer but he’s still an easy 10/10.
Meg: He’s thinkin’ about thos sweet potatoes.
Cane-alytics: Most likely to float in through Canes Twitter’s bedroom window in a dream. #PrincePretty
Meg: It’s truly unfair that Raleigh-Durham does not get to appreciate this fine head of hair because of Haydn Fleury’s one-way contract. Tragic.
Meg: Congrats on the call-up, you Grayson Allen lookin’ ass. I hope one day you bring the sweet sounds of the Weather Girls to PNC Arena.
Cane-alytics: I actually think Warren is one of the more fashionable Canes, but in this photo he looks like he’s thinking about thos beans.
Meg: The face of a man who will go 60 games without scoring a goal but will stay on the roster because he makes every Tom Wilson stan in DC lose their minds. I’m fine with it.
Rod Brind’Amour Wall of Neck Division
Meg: This is my son, who has done nothing wrong in his entire life.
Magical Hockey Elf Division
Meg: Just look me in the eyes and tell me you never wanted to go to Montreal. Now say it again slowly.
Cane-alytics: Am I the only one that sees a quiet rage boiling under the surface with sepe?
Meg: I honestly scrolled through this and thought he was Jaccob Slavin. Jaccob Slavin lookin’ ass.
Cane-alytics – If you told me this was the same photo as previous years, I’d believe you. If you also told me that Callum Booth was an immortal elf trapped in our dimension in some sort of The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe scenario, I’d be tempted to believe you there too.
Cane-alytics: The classic first-camp-out-of-the-draft cheesin’ grin. Can’t wait to compare it to next year’s axe murderer look.
Meg: The energy is infectious. Willing to overlook that the hairstyle came from a 1998 NSYNC album cover, minus the bleach.
Cane-alytics: The dead stare of a guy who is
going (note: already has) proved a lot of people wrong this year. Marty is all grownsed-up.
Meg: Send him back down to Charlotte. I dare you. Do it and see what happens to your precious stairmaster, Rod.
Cane-alytics: Taking over the I-look-curiously-like-Beaker-from-the-Muppets role this year. I can also see him running around on all fours like that crazy lady who thinks she’s a horse-or-something.
Totally Not An Axe Murderer Division
Cane-alytics: Brett’s face when he scrolls through his dad’s twitter feed.
Meg: He’ll never be Bradlee. The absolute legend.
Cane-alytics: Don’t forget to contact the Caniac Realtor to inquire about available rentals on Sellgren’s forehead.
Meg: Not sure if he’s going to murder me or cast a spell on me if I don’t make an adequate saving throw.
Cane-alytics: “HOLD STILL WHILE I GAS YOU.”
By far the MVP of this year’s crop of photos, imo. Imagine waking up and seeing this face first thing.
Meg: This headshot almost makes it worth trading Calvin de Haan in the off season. Oh no, I made myself sad.
Cane-alytics: Really wants to tell you how he ranks Tool’s albums. Takes Saku’s place on the team as the scariest Finn.
Meg: He has a lot of opinions on Terry Pratchett. Stop telling me to watch Good Omens on Amazon Prime.
L I Z Z O
Cane-alytics: Looks like he could be Jake’s partner in crime.
Meg: When big dad energy and big murder energy combine???
Phish Enthusiast Division
Cane-alytics: Jeremy “Vaping is bad now, but bong hits are my best friend” Helvig
Meg: Weeping quietly over his lost Juul pen as he consumes the last of the pot brownies Faulk made before he was traded.
Cane-alytics: The team really should include his butt’s head shot in the media guide too.
Meg: Oh, but when I take pictures of his butt it’s “weird” and “uncalled for.”
Cane-alytics: The new vapelord-king after PDG’s departure.
Meg: Which UNC frat is he pledged to?
Cane-alytics: The face of a man really excited to bedazzle your name onto some jeans.
Meg: Petr “Hi guys, I made us all matching hats with our names on them” Mrazek
Meg: Get well soon, Trevor. We miss you on the roster so much that I’m willing to overlook the fact that you went to at least three Dave Matthews Band concerts this summer.
Cane-alytics: Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
Big Dad Energy Division
Meg: That is the flow of a man who just rolled out of bed an hour ago because his kids made him stay up late reading Dragons Love Tacos a hundred times.
Cane-alytics: I’m glad Jordan went with the scruffy team dad look to follow Justin’s scruffy team dad look. The flow is magnificent. They should sell hockey-helmet-with-built-in-flow Halloween props. Would be an insta-buy from me.
Meg: You’re not my dad. Justin Williams is my dad. I don’t have to listen to your crummy jokes, James.
Cane-alytics: He’s genuinely afraid of those new self-driving trashcans.
Cane-alytics: @CanesEdmundson is here to “lets make hockey friend’s”.
Purest of Princes Division
Meg: My head says “no,” but my heart says “yes, you are a better 2-way player than Sasha Barkov.”
Cane-alytics: Beneath the smile, Nino is furious about Kanye turning his back on secular music.
Meg: The earnest look of a man who admittedly forgot to feed your cat when you went on vacation even though you asked him to. I trusted you, Nino.
Cane-alytics: The same face I make when I get the “Your Doordasher is close” text.
Meg: He only shaves his beard for Jesus. Jesus shaves, folks.
Meg: Two failed call-ups away from turning into Aleksi Saarela. Please be good soon, my favorite honest Finnish taxpayer.
Cane-alytics: Could this be the end of the Sassy Pomeranian and the birth of the No Fucks To Give Pomeranian?
Taking a Very Concerned Poop Division
Cane-alytics: Don’t strain too hard, Marty. You don’t need another hernia. #Poopjoke. (I wrote this joke before the season started and now I feel bad.)
Cane-alytics: The face you make when you hear people comparing your looks to Tripp Tracy and you shart a little.
Meg: He’s really sorry about watching all those seasons of Stretch Armstrong and the Flex Fighters on your Netflix account and ruining your recommendations.
Glorious Ginger Division
Cane-alytics: I get the feeling he’s the only Hurricane player that would do a better job on this blog than us (maybe Marty or Sepe too.)
Meg: Can’t believe I’m saying this, but PLEASE GROW A MULLET. Let that beautiful flow be free.
Cane-alytics: The 2 year, 4.2 million dollar smile.
Meg: Scored a goal once, will haunt the first line for a lifetime.
Slowly Evolving Into Faulk To Replace Faulk Division
Cane-alytics: I don’t know, when I look at these next three guys I really get the urge to travel to the Lonely Mountain with them so they can reclaim their birthright. Only we’d do it in one two hour movie.
Cane-alytics: Brian Gibbons’ favorite chunky soup – Chicken Tortilla
Meg: They couldn’t even get him to stop talking about the new Taylor Swift album long enough to take his photo.
Cane-alytics: Ned’s favorite chunky soup – Sirloin Burger
Also, as an aside, I highly recommend checking out Ned’s Twitch stream. He answers questions and is generally quite affable.
Meg: Wow, I can’t believe Ned saw Justin Faulk’s whole look and went, “Yes, that is an acceptable life choice.” You are canceled.
Cane-alytics: Bish’s favorite chunky soup – Grilled Chicken & Sausage Gumbo
These Are Certainly Human Beings Division
Meg: Never played an NHL game, got an NHL salary. Go off, king.
Cane-alytics: A member of the popular Swedish pop group Ton! Tön! Tôn!
Cane-alytics: Very dignified look. I bet he wears a traveling cloak.
Cane-alytics: Most likely to have a lifetime ban from Golden Corral restaurants. Triple Fountain Oh No.
Meg: His “Yelling at Nerds/60” stats are off the charts.
Cane-alytics: I guess he looks sorta murdery and he has a wall of hair, but he’s just kinda there. Welcome to Team Generic Dude, Derek.
Meg: Yep. This a guy who exists and is definitely not a haunted portrait that will continue to age while his real body stays young indefinitely.
Cane-alytics: C’mon down and get your free Big-Boy-Small-Man mustache rides at this guy’s face.
Meg: They come with a side of ointment for the beard burn.
Meg: He hasn’t been the same since Fortnite went down two days ago.
Cane-alytics: Most likely to collect waifu pillows.
Cane-alytics: Pretty convinced that this is just three small boys in a trench-coat in a hockey jersey.
Meg: Keeps his burner account active just so he can reply to Bachelorette contestants on Twitter.
Cane-alytics: Briefly went unaccounted for at Canes Camp. Turns out he was in line for the new Wegman’s. Hey-o.