Picture Day at Section 328
Meg: It’s the most wonderful time of the year. No, it’s not time for a new Star Wars sequel. It’s time for picture day at PNC Arena, where the good hockey boys whip out their combs — I said combs — and their toothbrushes and clean up nice for mom internet memes every cutaway graphic on NBC the camera. It’s that weird anomaly in a photographer’s career where saying “smile” really can’t cut it. But it’ll have to do, because you can’t tell the kid who just got drafted into the NHL two months ago, “This is the photo that’s going to be used in every blogger’s article when you get traded at the deadline, so try to look like you’re worth Matt Duchene and a fifth.”
Oliver (aka Cane-alytics): Or at the very least, try NOT to look like Picture Day legend, T.J. Hensick. In all seriousness, there are a couple picture day classics that were partly the motivation for this article. If you’ve followed me on Twitter, you no doubt have seen the man who looks like he’d rather be eating cold chunky soup out of a can than be in front of a camera in a hockey jersey. Simply the apex of apathy and bad timing. Poor T.J.
Perhaps the greatest and coolest Canes headshot of all time belongs to Tuomo Ruutu. It does a great job of summing up his game and personality all at once. It’s a beauty.
But enough about the headshots of old, let’s dig into the new stuff.
Meg: These boys have come to compete. I think this is the strongest crop of mugshots we’ve seen since the Justin Peters Bleach Bowl of 2013
John Forslund Wall of Hair Division
Meg: I rate his hair 13/10 Dancing Queens.
Oliver: More like Wallmark of Hair Division. 12/10 would like as Kruger’s replacement in 2 years.
Secretly Wearing Tom Brady Pajamas Beneath His Jersey
Meg: Congrats to Noah on moving out of the Most Likely to Vape Division this Year. His newfound commitment to the Forslund Flow is to be admired.
Oliver: This gorgeous mane of hockeyness makes me happy that Lou Lamoriello never got his mitts on it (Obligatory RIP to Ron Hainsey‘s flow.)
Meg: Most Likely To Share A Name With A Character From A Judd Apatow Movie
Oliver: Most Likely To Be Thinking About Those Beans
Most Likely To Make Us Miss Having His Dad In the Org
Magical Hockey Elf Division
Meg: Strong candidate for Most Likely To Ruin A Goalie’s Life. He has certainly ruined mine.
Oliver: Lil Swaggy. He looks sweet and unassuming here, but everything I’ve seen of him this off-season makes him look like a confident kid that’s about to proclaim himself the King of Raleigh.
Meg: He’s still learning how to control his elfin powers, but don’t worry, Lil’ Nacho, you will be protected.
Oliver: The Most Earnest Hurricane Because Learning The Language Ain’t An Easy Thing To Do
Oliver: I know his name is Geekie, but he does look like “The Most Likely To Roll a Twenty-Sided Die”.
Meg: His night elf character alignment is definitely True Neutral.
Oliver: Most Likely To Vanity Search His Name (true facts)
Meg: Fun fact – he narrowly missed out on the John Forslund Wall of Hair Division.
The Wisest Elf In Bojangles Coliseum
Oliver: Most Likely To Be Interested About Your Opinions on the Hit CW Show Riverdale. Big Betty fan.
Meg: More like Hudson ELFniuk, amirite?
Oliver: Most Likely To Be An #ActualElf
Meg: I know he looks twelve, but in elf years he’s actually 1200. #Manchild
Oliver: Most Likely To Obliterate Prior Season Point Totals
Meg: He’s actually the protagonist in Stephenie Meyer’s new teen romance novel, “Elves On Ice: The Quest to Save Stormy.”
Oliver: More on the Keebler side of elf than the fantasy variety. 13/10 would try his delicious fudge cookies again.
Meg: He mimes baking cookies every time he gets an assist.
Oliver: Most Likely To Be A Villain In the Next Die Hard Movie
Meg: If the next Die Hard Movie was set in Middle Earth. Die Hard for Gondor.
A Spoopy Clown Just Tried Luring Me Into The Sewer Division
Oliver: Tinier than one would expect. 12/10 would trade Eric Staal again.
Meg: Hear that sound? That’s the entire fanbase holding its breath every time he tweaks his shoulder. That’s the horror they don’t tell you about in the movies, Oliver.
Oliver: Brett making the face we all did when Klas Dahlbeck survived Training Camp without a trip down the wonderful Waiver Wire.
Meg: It’s also the face you make when you realize you have to live your life without the #leadership of John-Michael Liles.
Oliver: Most Likely To Be The Guy You Forgot Was On The Team
Meg: He is very alarmed by the rate at which bees are dying.
Totally Not An Ax Murderer Division
Oliver: The face of a man who has already been suspended* for a game in the A. This is the best headshot of this year’s crop. The meme potential is staggering:
- “Opening night got me like”
- “When you see the Dahlbeck healthy scratch”
- “When the future is so bright and you can’t help but stare directly into the sun”
- “When mom restocks the pizza rolls”
- “When the Canes are #ActuallyGood”
Meg: “When the Canes name you co-captain.”
Oliver: *Apparently this was Lorentz. Kichton’s super murdery face made me think otherwise. #ItWasPreseasonForEveryone
Oliver: This mustache is an elite mustache and I am jealous of its awesomeness.
Meg: It’s distracting me from the mini mullet, so that’s helpful.
Oliver: The face you make when you’re hungover and only a plate of grease from Waffle House will make it right. 12/10 would run in terror from again.
Meg: Imagine this face, but with queso. That’s the face of #leadership.
Most Likely To Think IT Was The Funniest, Most Feel Good Movie Of The Year
Meg: I saw him smile once. I don’t want to talk about it.
Oliver: Most Likely To Sing ABBA On Rides Home From the Rink
Most Likely to Vape Division
Most Likely To Have No Idea What a VCR Is
Most Likely Jersey To Be Bought By Derek Roessler Because of the OSU Connection
Meg: Someone please come pick up this lost child.
Oliver: PNC had to practice their Code ADAM drills just because of this young-looking vapelord.
Meg: He accidentally got locked in the Zamboni Room on Take Your Son To Work Day
Oliver: Most Likely To Think The Build-A-Bear Workshop Is A Sex Thing
Most Likely To Know All The Words To “Greased Lightning”
Oliver: I don’t know what’s going on in the back there, but I find it infuriating.
Meg: By infuriating he means intoxicating, because our defense is gonna be so good, fam.
Meg: We all know Phil. Good Guy. Tries Hard. Loves To Celly.
Oliver: Thought the Entourage movie was unfairly maligned.
The Congrats, You’re Officially A Grizzled Vet Division
Meg: I, too, am often called a doctor even though I do not have a medical degree.
Oliver: Most Likely To Be Overwhelmed By The Selection Offered By The Taco Bell Menu
Absolutely Better Than Brandon Sutter
Meg: TFW you might get more offensive zone starts this year, but you know you still won’t get the respect you deserve cause people will still be talking about your brother who got traded two seasons ago.
jordan staal is literally perfect
— manny (@MannyElk) September 26, 2017
Oliver: What he said. 13/10 would carry 4th liners and make them a top line again. Would love to be co-captains with him.
Meg: Guy Who Crawled Out Of The Dumpster And Is Insisting I Call Him Dad
Oliver: Most Likely To Gift You a Self-Made Hemp Friendship Bracelet, As Long As It’s Not a Co-Captain Bracelet
Most Likely To Have A Notebook Of People Who Have Wronged Him
Happiest To Not Be A Vegas Golden Knight
Oliver: Good ol’ Lumpy-face Stempniak. I swear this picture creates an optical illusion and makes it look like his face has a bend in it.
Meg: He’s witnessed the death of many a point streak and lived to tell the tale.
Meg: I was told he said “No” once.
Oliver: Most Likely To #HaveFun While Posting A Sub-.900 Save Percentage
Oliver: Who knew recycled tires could be so handsome.
Meg: He’s fancier than his stats.
Meg: Most Likely To Be Mistaken For Tilda Swinton
Oliver: Uhh, I’m pretty sure that IS Tilda Swinton.
The Purest of Princes Division
Meg: The One True Prince From The Kingdom of Choccy Milk. He brings us smiles and deserves only good things.
Oliver: 13/10. The goodest of Good Boys.
The Prince Who Is Also A Sassy Pomeranian #SassyPoms
The Prince of Totally Respecting Your Space From The Kingdom of I’m Here When You Need Me
The Prince of Blue Steel From The Kingdom of Zoolander
The Prince Of Sliding Into Your DMs
Meg: The Big Boy Prince Who Has Found The Jam
Oliver: Most Likely To Be The Bad Guy Prince In Your Favorite Rom Com
The Prince Who Has Inappropriate Thoughts About Brind’Amour’s Stairmaster
Meg: The Prince of Apple Kingdom
Oliver: Most Likely To Be Involved in Ombudsman Fantasies
whenever lindholm scores I'm going to remind u guys that @CanesOmbudsman has openly said he would hit
— off season Feminism (@mrsombudsman) March 19, 2017
The Prince of Goldendoodles
13/10 would floof again.
Meg’s Baby Goalies Who Must Be Protected Division
Meg: NeddyBear, aka Baby Goalie Who Is Doing Great
Oliver: Sad he didn’t go with this look in photos this year:
Meg: Brand New Baby Goalie Who Must Be Protected
Oliver: Totally not a plant from Quebec to spy on our franchise’s inner-workings.
Protected From The Most Likely To Vape Division Thanks To Being A Baby Goalie
The Glorious Ginger Division
Meg: Most Likely To Be The Subject of Wrestling References Most People Don’t Understand
Oliver: Most Forgettable Flow (Until It Has a Four Point Game in Late December)
Oliver: DYK, his middle name is Wellington. Now you can never not-know. P-Welly Browns. 11/10 would make baby Canes captain again. He is the kind of lad you would not add a co to unless the Room is just full of good choices, leaders, eye-rolling cliches, etc.
Meg: This is a Wellington Gordon Ramsay would approve of.
The Ginger Prince From The Kingdom Of Nepotism
Meg: I know, I know, he’s technically a prince, but he was just too ginger NOT to qualify for this division.
Bringer Of The Save That Was Promised
Most Likely To Genuinely Be Excited About That Young Sheldon Show.
The Division of Rugged Intangibles
Most Likely To Put Humus On A Sandwich In Chris Terry‘s Absence
Most Likely To Spend An Afternoon At A Dave & Busters
Most Likely To Actually Be Two Nathan Gerbes Stacked Together
Oliver: 11 JoJoo’s out of 10.
Meg: This is the guy Jake Chelios found in the Zamboni Room after he got locked in.
Most Likely To Be Upset About The Closing Of Blockbuster Video Stores
Oliver: Fifty-nine of the best hockey boys any franchise could hope for. While I don’t think there are any insta-classics from this collection of pictures, Jake Bean (wow) and Brenden Kichton are the stand outs to me. I also see a lot of potential in Brendan De Jong with his future headshots. Also, Trevor Carrick’s mustache is awesome. Just felt like reinforcing that. I hope the mustache sees some NHL action this year. It would be a shame to bury such elite facial hair in the minors. Thoughts, Meg?
Meg: Trevor Carrick’s mustache will provide great leadership to the Charlotte Checkers this season, but no doubt it will see NHL action. I’m gonna go a little bit off the board here, Oliver. I know we all want to give the honor to Justin Williams. He was clearly brought in here to teach these young kids about good grooming. But I gotta go with my heart. The clear winner is Noah Freakin Hanifin.
That’s another win for the #elite division of John Forslund Wall of Hair. Thanks again for joining us for Section 328’s Annual Picture Day Extravaganza. Goodnight, and you stay classy, Caniac Nation.