An Alpha-Male’s Guide to Watching the Hurricanes -A parody

I was recently one of four blowhards in a house packed with about 20 dames watching the game — stickpucky, I think. The dolls were there for the game, while I was there for the beer: Bud Light Platinum, the classy way to get wasted on American swill.

Sure, I could’ve sat and watched with the birds, but I don’t care for whatever the hell ice game it was, nor do I pretend to. I’m not going to fake an girly obsession with a sport because, frankly, that just seems like a real pain in my ass.

That being said, when having either lady friends, sisters, girlfriends or wives in your life, watching games in any sport becomes unavoidable. And if you live in Raleigh and have one of the aforementioned female figures in your life, then chances are you can’t avoid their obsession with the Hurricanes. The fact that every single one of the chicks watching this strange frozen pond skatearound game was wearing a Hurricanes jersey is a true testament to the loyalty of a Caniac. It’s not just a phase. It’s not just an obsession. It’s a Canes lifestyle.

News of the NHL lockout’s end caused as much excitement in the female world as an Affliction t-shirt and Axe body spray sale does on us bros. If you’re completely oblivious to what the end of the lockout means, think of it as the premiere of the newest season of “The Ultimate Fighter” being delayed by months, and then suddenly, it’s announced that it will be coming back but with a lot fewer episodes to make up for lost time.

Have said all that, this article is an attempt to help you at least understand their obsession, enthusiasm and passion, and help you hold your own during game nights.

They’re EXPECTING You To Use Profanity

…Just know WHEN to do it.

Eric Staal has the puck. The girls are all standing and screaming and you’re going to yell ‘what the fuck is going on!?”

Nope.

You need to sense the tension at certain points in the game and let them do their jumping, screaming and cheering thing. You can tell if something huge has happened by their reaction, and if you’re absolutely lost, just keep swearing until the video board shows a replay. Replays don’t happen unless there’s enough ambient colorful language.

Still confused? Wait until the puck drops, then get up out of your seat, and head to the concourse for another beer. Before returning to your seat, make sure the usher that should be covering the entrance isn’t there, and proceed back just before a crucial play.

Get To Know The HURRICANES

I’m not asking you to memorize a yearbook, but after watching a game or two, last names will start to sound familiar: Jokinen, Pitkanen, Tlusty.. you know, commie names. The Canes roster is easily available online, but in lieu of that, just add “-hole” to the end of nearly any first syllable of a players name and those around you will be amazed at your hockey knowledge. That’s what those looks are for, trust me.

Get To Know Forward Jeff Skinner

If Raleigh were to have a new face on every middle school lunchbox (middle schoolers still have lunchboxes, right?), it would be his. He can’t buy beer yet. His nickname is “Hockey Bieber.” He even made out, FULL ON with some chick on a radio show! Don’t you want him to kick ass? And they play clips from the Simpsons when he scores for some reason.

Way to go, dickbag!

You’ve officially graduated level one of what to expect when Canes fans are around. Before I wrote this article, I gave all the broads I spoke with the option of saying, “I don’t want this asshole watching the game with me. It’s my sport, leave it alone.”

Not a single one of them took it.

Don’t be afraid to swear, but but do so in a simple straight forward manner. You can combine two elements of profanity that don’t complete a rational though if you’d like as well, like “shit fuck” or “ass bitch.” If you have a couple hours of free time, go ahead and ask about the best launch angle for a pint glass, or exactly how much of a shoulder turn is permissible when taunting children before security comes around. You’ll be glad you did.

If you feel too forced and uninterested, at least know the Cool Bars schedule so you can schedule a dude’s night for those times and check out those hotties on the dance team. Man, they’re smokin’ hot! Oh, and one last thing: don’t give the girls and grief for their playoff bush.

Bing it. You’ll owe me one.

Cheers, Bitches!

-Drunkard 69.

 

text of the original: A Girl’s Guide to Watching the Rangers

 

A Girl’s Guide to Watching the Rangers

By: Mirna Mandil

I was recently one of four females in a house packed with about 20 guys watching the game — football, I think. The men were there for the game, while I was there for the food: deep fried turkey, which quickly turned into deep frying everything in sight.

Sure, I could’ve sat and watched with the men, but I don’t care for football, nor do I pretend to. I’m not going to fake an alpha-male-level obsession with a sport because, frankly, that just seems exhausting.

That being said, when having either guy friends, brothers, boyfriends or husbands in your life, watching games in any sport becomes unavoidable. And if you live in New York and have one of the aforementioned male figures in your life, then chances are you can’t avoid their obsession with the Rangers. The fact that every single one of the guys watching this football game was wearing a Rangers jersey is a true testament to the loyalty of a Rangers fan. It’s not just a phase. It’s not just an obsession. It’s a Rangers lifestyle.

News of the NHL lockout’s end caused as much excitement in the male world as a 70 percent off sale does in a woman’s. If you’re completely oblivious to what the end of the lockout means, think of it as the premiere of the newest season of “Girls” being delayed by months, and then suddenly, it’s announced that it will be coming back but with a lot fewer episodes to make up for lost time.

Have said all that, this article is an attempt to help you at least understand their obsession, enthusiasm and passion, and help you hold your own during game nights.

They’re EXPECTING You To Ask Questions

…Just know WHEN to do it.

Carl Hagelin has the puck. The boys are all standing and screaming and you’re going to yell ‘what’s happening!?”

Nope.

You need to sense the tension at certain points in the game and let them do their jumping, screaming and cheering thing. You can tell if something huge has happened by their reaction, and if you’re absolutely lost, wait for the replay. There’s always a replay after a major play.

Still confused? Wait until a penalty or other whistle to ask. The clock stopped so there’s a pause in the game, and at this level you won’t need to know why a penalty was called anyway (unless there’s a fight, which is pretty self-explanatory). Everything else? Not important in your world … yet.

Get To Know The RANGERS

I’m not asking you to memorize a yearbook, but after watching a game or two, last names will start to sound familiar: Staal, Callahan, Del Zotto. You’ll get the idea. The Rangers’ roster is easily available online, and even though knowing a last name won’t do much in terms of understanding the game, it will build up your connection when watching future games. You’ll be more attuned to a game when you hear a name you recognize.

Get To Know Goalie Henrik Lundqvist

If New York were to have a new face on every quarter, it would be his. He’s broken NHL records. His nickname is “The King.” He played “Sweet Child O’ Mine” on guitar during a recent episode of “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon.” Don’t you want him to do well? Don’t you want to watch when he’s on the ice? My point exactly.

Congratulations

You’ve officially graduated level one of what to expect when Ranger fans are expecting. Before I wrote this article, I gave all the guys I spoke with the option of saying, “I don’t want her watching the game with me. It’s my sport, leave it alone.”

Not a single one of them took it.

Don’t be afraid to ask questions, but ask quesions they’ll enjoy answering. Things like who their favorite player is, or who their biggest rival is. If you have a couple hours of free time, go ahead and ask about the famous Potvin chant. You’ll certainly be in for a great story.

If you feel too forced and uninterested, at least know the Rangers’ schedule so you can schedule a girl’s night for those times. Oh, and one last thing: don’t give the guys and grief for their playoff beards.

Google it. You’ll thank me later.

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